The
Neglected Heart: The Emotional Dangers of Premature Sexual
Involvement
THOMAS
LICKONA
In
discussions of teen sex, much is said about the dangers of pregnancy
and disease — but far less about the emotional hazards.
I
lost my virginity when I was 15. My boyfriend and I thought
we
loved each other. But once we began having sex, it
completely
destroyed any love we had. I felt he was no longer
interested in
spending time with me — he was interested
in spending time with
my body.
-
AMANDA,
A COLLEGE STUDENT
I
wish someone had been preaching abstinence in my ear
when I was
in high school. That was when my sexual activity
started. I don't
even want to think about my college years.
I wish I had saved
this for my wife.
MIKE,
A 26-YEAR-OLD HUSBAND
There
is no condom for the heart.
-
ABSTINENCE EDUCATION POSTER
In
discussions of teen sex, much is said about the dangers of pregnancy
and disease — but far less about the emotional hazards. And that's
a problem, because the destructive psychological consequences of
temporary sexual relationships are very real. Being aware of them can
help a young person make and stick to the decision to avoid premature
sexual involvement.
That's
not to say we should downplay the physical consequences of
uncommitted sex. Pregnancy is a life-changing event. Sexually
transmitted infections (STIs) — and there are now more than 20 —
can rob you of your health and even your life. Condoms can reduce but
do not eliminate these physical risks. About 15% of adults who use
condoms to prevent pregnancy find themselves pregnant over the course
of a year.1
Consistent and correct condom use during vaginal sex can reduce the
risk of sexual transmission of HIV/AIDS by about 85% but only if a
person uses them correctly 100% of the time.
Consistent
condom use reduces by only 50% the risk for chlamydia2
— the cause of a substantial proportion of female infertility. And
few people achieve consistent/correct use.3
Although there is some evidence that 100% condom use may reduce the
risk for human papillomavirus4
— the cause of virtually all cervical cancer in women — a
significant risk remains. Some STIs can be passed on by skin-to-skin
contact in the entire genital area, only a small part of which is
covered by a condom.
Sex
and the human heart
For
human beings, of course, sex is about much more than the body. It's
the emotional or psychological dimension of sex that makes it
distinctively human. Our entire person — mind, body, and feelings —
is involved. That's why sexual intimacy has potentially powerful
emotional consequences.
Why
is it so much harder to discuss sex and emotional hurt — to name
and talk about the damaging psychological effects that can come from
premature sexual involvement?
When
Harvard students adopted a strict sexual code, their relationships
and academic performance improved.
|
For
one thing, most of us have never heard this aspect of sex discussed.
Our parents didn't talk to us about it. The media don't depict the
emotional consequences of sex; indeed, television and the movies
typically depict sex as consequence-free. And the debate over what to
teach about condoms in schools or whether teens should have
over-the-counter access to the "morning after" pill usually
fails to address the fact that condoms and pills do nothing to make
sex emotionally
safe.
When it comes to trying to explain to their children or students how
premature sex can harm one's personality and character as well as
one's health, many adults are at a loss for words or reduced to vague
generalities such as, "You're too young," "You're not
ready," or "You're not mature enough."
Some
of the psychological consequences of premature sex — such as
feelings of regret — are beginning to get more attention. A 2004
survey conducted by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy
asked teenagers, "If you have had sexual intercourse, do you
wish you had waited?" Two-thirds said yes.6
We've
actually known about the emotional consequences of sex for a long
time. Dr. Armand Nicholi, Jr., clinical professor of psychiatry at
Harvard Medical School, describes a study he helped to carry out in
the 1960s:
"Not
long after the sexual revolution was underway, clinicians observed
that the new sexual freedom was creating a psychological disaster. We
began to study Harvard students who complained of emptiness and
despondency.
"There
was a gap between their social conscience and the morality they were
practicing in their personal lives. The new sexual permissiveness was
leading to empty relationships and feelings of self-contempt. Many of
these students were preoccupied with the passing of time and with
death. They yearned for meaning, for a moral framework.
"When
some of them moved away from moral relativism to a system of clear
values — typically embracing a drug-free lifestyle and a strict
sexual code — they reported that their relationships with the
opposite sex improved, as did relations with peers in general,
relationships with their parents, and their academic performance."7
The
Harvard study, besides showing the negative effects of uncommitted
sex, also shows that individuals can choose to change their sexual
behavior and reap the rewards of sexual self-discipline.
Ten
Emotional Dangers
What
are the specific emotional dangers of premature, uncommitted sex?
These vary from person to person. Some emotional consequences are
short-term but still serious. Some last a long time, even into
marriage and parenting. Many of these psychological consequences are
hard to imagine until they've been experienced. In all cases, the
emotional repercussions of sexual experiences are not to be taken
lightly. A moment's reflection reminds us that emotional problems can
have damaging, even crippling, effects on a person's ability to lead
a happy and productive life.
Let's
look at ten emotional dangers of premature sexual involvement.
Worry
about pregnancy and disease
For
many young people who have become sexually active, the fear of
pregnancy or getting a sexually transmitted disease is a major
emotional stress.
One high school girl told a counselor:
"I
see some of my friends buying home pregnancy tests. They are so
worried and so distracted every month, afraid that they might be
pregnant. It's a relief to me to be a virgin."
Says
Russell Henke, a public school health education coordinator:"I
see kids going to the nurse in schools, crying a day after their
first sexual experience, and wanting to be tested for AIDS. For
some, it's enough to cause them to stay away from further sexual
involvement."
Regret
and self-recrimination
Both
guys and girls can suffer sharp regret following a sexual
relationship, but girls are usually more vulnerable. One abstinence
speaker asks his teen audiences: "What
happens when a girl has sex with a boy? She typically feels closer
to him. You might think it would be the same with a boy. Not
necessarily."
Research,
in fact, finds a gender difference: "Women
are likely to have sex to strengthen relationships and increase
intimacy, whereas men are likely to have sex to gain physical
pleasure."8A
girl who sees sex as a way to "show you care" may feel
cheated and used when the boy doesn't show a greater romantic
interest after the sexual experience. Says a 15-year-old girl: "I
didn't expect the guy to marry me, but I never expected him to avoid
me in school."
Bob
Bartlett, who teaches a freshman human sexuality class in a
Richfield, Minnesota, high school, shares the story of "Sandy"
[the names of young people in this article have been changed]:
"Sandy,
a bright and pretty girl, asked to see me during lunch period. She
explained that she had never had a boyfriend, so she was excited
when a senior asked her out. After they dated for several weeks, he
asked her to have sex with him. She was reluctant, but he persisted.
She was afraid of appearing immature and losing him, so she
consented."
"'Did
it work?' I gently asked. 'Did you keep him?'
"Sandy
replied: 'For another week. We had sex again, and then he dropped
me. He said I wasn't good enough. There was no spark. I know now
that he didn't really love me. I feel so stupid.'"9
-
Sex
is so special, it deserves a special home. It's most meaningful,
most fulfilling, when it's part of something bigger — a
continuing loving relationship between two human beings. When
you're married, your sexual intimacy expresses your total
commitment to each other. You are saying with your body, "I
give myself to you, completely." From this perspective, you
join your bodies when you join your lives. The
ultimate intimacy belongs within the ultimate commitment. –
Character
Matters
|
Even
when there are "new rules" about sex — as in "hooking
up," a practice increasingly common on college campuses (and
spreading to younger ages) that explicitly permits sexual
interaction from kissing to intercourse, even without affection and
with someone you may hardly know — girls typically end up more
vulnerable, often hoping after the sexual contact that the guy will
call.10
Sometimes the regret goes in the opposite direction: You feel
trapped after the relationship turns sexual. Says Karen, age 16:"I
truly regret that my first time was with a guy that I didn't care
that much about. I am still going out with him, which is getting to
be a problem. Since that first night, he expects sex on every date.
When I don't feel like it, we end up in a big argument. I'd like to
end this relationship and date others, but after being so intimate,
it's awfully tough."
Sexual
regrets can last for many years. Not long ago, I received a letter
from a 33-year-old woman, now a psychiatrist, who said she is very
much concerned about the sexual pressures and temptations facing
young people today. She wanted to share the lessons about sex that
she learned the hard way. After high school, she says, she spent a
year abroad as an exchange student:"I
was a virgin when I left, but felt I was protected. I had gotten an
IUD so I could make my own decisions about sex if and when I wanted
to. I had steeled myself against commitment. I was never going to
marry or have children — I was going to have a career. During that
year abroad, I was very promiscuous.
"But the fact is,
it cost me to be separated from myself. The longest-standing wound I
gave myself was heartfelt. That sick, used feeling of having given a
precious part of myself — my soul — to so many and for nothing,
still aches. I never imagined I'd pay so dearly and for so long.
This woman says she is happily married now and has a good sexual
relationship with her husband. But she still carries the emotional
scars of those early sexual experiences. She wants young people to
know that 'sex without commitment is very risky for the
heart.'"
Guys
who get both sexually and emotionally involved with a girl can also
suffer a lot of hurt. Here's a guy with deep regrets: "A
year ago I started dating a girl two years younger. We fell head
over heels in love. Our parents gave us total freedom. When I'd go
to her house, her folks would go to bed early so we could be
alone.
"It was wonderful. We were alone together
sometimes as often as six nights a week. We started necking a
little, then all the time. I started getting a little fresh, and she
resisted, but she finally gave in for fear of losing me. One thing
led to another, and before we knew it, we had gone too far.
"We
told ourselves that we were in love and as soon as she was out of
school, we'd be married — so what difference did it make? Then one
night we had a terrible argument, and though it had nothing to do
with sex, I know it would never have happened if we had been
behaving ourselves.
"Anyway, she hit me, and I hit her
back. I have never forgiven myself for that. She went running home
and told her mother EVERYTHING that happened between us. You can
imagine what happened after that.
"I was going to
college at the time. I couldn't keep my mind on my studies. I just
wanted to lie down and die. Finally, I knew I was flunking out, so I
quit college and joined the Navy. I saw her on the street just once
before I left for basic training. She cried and told me she still
felt the same about me and was sorry for what she had done, but it
was too late then.
"I'd give anything in the world if
she had stuck to her guns and I hadn't been so persistent. Any girl
who thinks she has to put out to keep a guy is crazy. I would have
stayed with her if she had only let me hold her hand. — A Sorry
Sailor"11
Guilt
Guilt
is a special form of regret — a strong sense of having done
something morally wrong. Guilt can be a healthy moral experience if
you take it as a sign that your conscience is alive and working —
and as a reason to avoid in the future the behavior that caused you
to have a guilty conscience.
Girls are more likely than guys
to report guilt about a first sexual experience, and the guilt is
greater if the experience occurred under the influence of drugs or
alcohol.12
Both guys and girls are more likely to report guilt if their first
intercourse occurred with a casual partner.13In
his book for teens, Love,
Dating, and Sex,
George Eager offers this advice to young men: "When
the break-up comes, it's usually a lot tougher on the girls than it
is on the guys. It's not something you want on your conscience —
that you caused a girl to have deep emotional problems."14
A 16-year-old boy in California said he stopped having sex with
girls when he realized and felt guilty about the pain he was
causing: "You
see them crying and confused. They say they love you, but you don't
love them."
Guilt
after sex may also stem from one's religious convictions. The major
world religions, including Christianity, Judaism, and Islam, all
teach that sex is a beautiful gift from a good God but that God
reserves sex for the committed love relationship of marriage.
A
December 2002 Newsweek
cover article on the "new virginity" (most high school
students now report that they have not had sexual intercourse)
included a story about a young man who regretted going against his
religious beliefs about sex. Lucian Shulte, a Roman Catholic, said
his parents taught him the importance of chastity and he had always
planned to "wait until marriage." But then one warm summer
night, he found himself with a girl who was very willing — and
they had intercourse. It was over in a hurry and lacked any sense of
intimacy. He said: "In
the movies, when people have sex, it's always romantic. Physically,
it felt good, but emotionally it felt really awkward. I was worried
that our relationship was now going to be a lot more serious than it
was before. It was like, 'Now what is she going to expect from
me?'"15Lucian
felt guilty about what he had done. He also worried about pregnancy
and disease. He promised himself, never again. Now, as a college
student, he's still faithful to that decision. He says, "I'm
looking forward to intimacy with my wife, someone I'll truly love
and want to spend the rest of my life with. It sounds corny, but
it's for real."
Abortion
Many
teens — an estimated 300,000 a year — turn to abortion when they
find themselves facing a pregnancy. As both sides of the abortion
debate now acknowledge, abortion ends a developing human life
(there's a beating heart at 18 days, measurable brain waves at 6
weeks). Many women report distressing emotional consequences after
abortion — such as depression, nightmares, loss of self-worth, and
guilt — sometimes right away, sometimes not until later.16In
his book, Making
Abortion Rare: A Healing Strategy for a Divided Nation,
David Reardon reports research finding that more than 70% of women
who had an abortion said they felt it was wrong — the taking of a
human life — but that they went against their conscience because
at the time they felt they had no other choice.17
Sometimes moral misgivings about their abortion decisions did not
occur until years later. Here, for example, is the testimony of a
young mother, now in her early 30s, concerning the abortion she had
when she was in college:"It
was my sophomore year. I came back from winter break sick as a dog.
The doctor in the campus infirmary took a urine test and told me in
a non-judgmental way that I was pregnant. 'What would you like to
do?' he asked.
"'I want to get rid of it,' I said,
without even blinking an eye.
"He wrote down the phone
number and address of a nearby women's health clinic. The
'procedure' was surprisingly simple. There was strong cramping, but
I could handle that. If someone had asked me right then how I felt
about what I had just done, I would have said, 'Wow, this is great!
I have my health back, I have my life back!'
"Go ahead,
ask me now. I am, at this moment, crying.
"How callous
I was. Just a kid, really. Self-centered and shallow. There were,
and are now, so many other alternatives.
"I am humbled
by my two amazing living children. Most of all, I am humbled by my
friend, Amy. She felt so strongly for her miscarried unborn child
that she gave the child a name and a funeral. I didn't give mine a
second thought — until I grew up."18Guys,
too, can suffer from the emotional aftershocks of abortion. I once
listened to a young man, a freshman at our college, speaking to an
audience of peers about the guilt he felt — including difficulty
sleeping and studying — after he helped his girlfriend get an
abortion. Bottom line: Regardless of how you feel about what the law
should be regarding abortion, we can agree that abortion is not a
quick fix. Its effects can reverberate for years. Indeed, national
networks have formed to provide counseling for both men and women
suffering emotional aftereffects of abortion.19
Loss
of self-esteem and self-respect
Many
persons suffer a loss of self-esteem after they find out they have a
sexually transmitted disease. Larry had not heard of human papilloma
virus (HPV) before he had sex with his girlfriend. Soon after, he
noticed some small bumps on his penis. His physician told him he had
genital warts caused by HPV. The warts did not respond well to acid
treatment, laser techniques, or surgery. After protracted
unsuccessful treatments, Larry began to worry if he would ever be
able to marry because of the warts.20Sometimes
the loss of self-esteem after uncommitted sex leads a person into
further casual sex, leading to further loss of self-esteem in an
oppressive cycle from which it may be hard to break free. This
pattern is described by a young woman who is a residence hall
director at our college:
-
Straight
Talk About Oral Sex
-
No boy who truly respects or cares about a girl would ask her to
do this.
- Some girls make the mistake of initiating oral
sex because they think they can give a guy what he wants while
avoiding pregnancy, but then discover that oral sex actually
reduces intimacy.
- Many sexually transmitted diseases —
including herpes, chlamydia, and human papilloma virus — can be
transmitted through oral sex.
- If you're a girl and you
engage in oral sex, you risk experiencing the same feelings of
being used that frequently follow uncommitted intercourse.
-
If you're a boy and getting girls to do this, you're
disrespecting the girl (would you want somebody doing this to
your sister?) and your future spouse. |
There
are girls in our dorm who have had multiple pregnancies and multiple
abortions. The ironic thing is that practically all the girls who
talk to me say they hate the whole scene — the bars, the parties,
the attitudes and sexual expectations of guys. But because they have
such low self-esteem, they will settle for any kind of attention
from guys, and they keep going back to the same kind of situations
that got them into trouble in the first place.
On both sides
of dehumanized sex, there is a loss of dignity and self-worth. A
college guy confided: "You
feel pretty crummy when you get drunk at a party and have sex with
some girl, and then the next morning you can't even remember who she
was."
Another
college student described the loss of self-respect that followed his
first sexual "conquest": "I
finally got a girl into bed — actually it was in a car — when I
was 17. I thought it was the hottest thing there was, but then she
started saying she loved me and getting clingy. After four weeks of
having sex as often as I wanted, I was tired of her. I finally
dumped her, which made me feel even worse, because I could see that
she was hurting."21Oral
sex and self-respect
Surveys
indicate that many young people today are having oral sex and don't
consider it "a big deal."22
Some boys are reportedly demanding oral sex from their girlfriends
the way they used to expect a good-night kiss. An April 2000 New
York Times article,
"The Face of Teenage Sex Grows Younger," quoted
psychologists counseling young girls who were emotionally distraught
because of their involvement in oral sex.23In
response to these concerns, TV talk show hosts Oprah Winfrey and Dr.
Phil each devoted an entire program to the issue of oral sex. On Dr.
Phil's program, a 13-year-old girl looked into the camera, tears
streaming down her face, and said to other kids who might be
watching: "Don't
do this . . . please don't do this. You will lose all your
self-respect. Things will get worse for you, much worse."
Here
are six important points to communicate to young people about oral
sex:
1. It is definitely a sexual act. As one 15-year-old
boy said, "Why
do you think they call it oral sex?"
2.
It is usually something boys ask girls to perform on them. There are
also some girls who make the mistake of initiating oral sex because
they think they can give a guy what he wants while avoiding
pregnancy, but then discover that oral sex actually reduces
intimacy.
3. No boy who truly respects or cares about a girl
would ask her to do this.
4. Many sexually transmitted
diseases — including herpes, chlamydia, and human papilloma virus
— can be passed on through oral sex. 24
5. If you're a girl and you engage in oral sex, you risk
experiencing the same emotional hurts — such as feeling used and
degraded — that frequently follow uncommitted sexual intercourse.
6. If you're a boy and getting girls to do this, you're
disrespecting the girl (would you want somebody doing this to your
sister?) and disrespecting your future spouse if you marry someday
(is this something you'd want that person to know?).
The
corruption of character
When we treat others as sexual objects to be used for our
selfish pleasure, we not only lose self-respect; we change our
character — the kind of person we are becoming. Every choice we
make in life affects our character, for good or for ill. Good
choices strengthen our character. Bad choices deform our character.
Our conscience is the part of our character that
distinguishes right from wrong and helps us make good choices. In
our current permissive sexual environment, many young people have a
badly distorted conscience that accepts as "okay"
behaviors that are in fact very wrong. For example, the Rhode Island
Rape Crisis Center conducted a survey of student attitudes toward
"forced sex." It asked 1,700 students grades 6 to 9: "Is
it acceptable for a man to force sex on a woman if they've been
dating for more than six months?" Nearly two-thirds of the boys
said yes. More surprising, so did 49% of the girls.25Sex
can also corrupt character by leading people to lie to get sex.
Common lies are: "I love you" and "I've never had an
STD." One young man spoke of how his sexual activity, like an
addiction, undermined his self-control: "It
was like a drug. The more sex I had, the more I wanted. I couldn't
control myself, yet I wasn't satisfied at all."26Pornography.
With
the rise of the Internet, pornography has become more readily
available and consequently one of the most common (typically male)
sexual addictions.27
In his best-selling book, The
7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens,
Sean Covey writes of pornography's corrosive effects on conscience:
"Like
any other addiction, pornography sneaks up on you. It reminds me of
a story I once read about frogs. If you put a frog in boiling water,
it will immediately jump out. But if you put it in lukewarm water,
the frog will get cooked before it has the sense to jump out. It's
the same with pornography. What you look at today may have shocked
you a year ago. But because the heat was ever so slowly turned up,
you didn't even notice that your conscience was being fried."28Dr.
Victor Cline, a psychotherapist who over 25 years has treated
hundreds of adult men for pornography and sex addictions,
writes:"I
found that nearly all of my adult sexual addicts' problems started
with porn exposure in childhood or adolescence."29
Shaken
trust
Young
people who feel used or betrayed after the break-up of a sexual
relationship may experience difficulty trusting in future
relationships. They don't want to be burned again. Brian, a college
senior, tells his story:"I
first had intercourse with my girlfriend when we were 15. I'd been
going with her for almost a year, and I loved her very much. She was
friendly, outgoing, and charismatic. We'd done everything but have
intercourse, and then one night she asked if we could go all the
way.
"A few days later, we broke up. It was the most
painful time of my life. I had opened up to her more than anybody,
even my parents. I was depressed and nervous. I dropped out of
sports and felt like a failure. In college, I've had mostly
one-night stands. I'm afraid of falling in love."30
Depression
and suicide
Depression
becomes more common in the teens, but recent research shows it's not
an automatic consequence of being a teenager. Teens who abstain from
risky behavior — such as sex, drugs, and drinking — are the
least likely to get depressed. Both guys and girls who engage in
high levels of risky behavior are the most likely to get
depressed.31
And for a girl, even experimenting once with sex or drugs
significantly increases her risk of depression.32
-
"I've
seen too many of my friends break up after their relationships
turned physical. When you use sex too early, it will block other
means of communicating love and can stunt the balanced growth of
a relationship."
|
In
some cases, depression leads to the tragedy of suicide. Suicide is
the third leading cause of death for 15- to 24-year-olds. Nearly one
in five teens say they have seriously considered suicide in the past
year.33In
Sex
and the Teenager,
Kieran Sawyer writes:"The
more the relationship seems like real love, the more the young
person is likely to invest, and the deeper the pain and hurt if the
relationship breaks up."34Given
what we know about the emotional aftermath of broken sexual
relationships, it's reasonable to think that the pain from such
break-ups is a factor in the depression and suicide deaths of some
young people.
Research confirms this link. A study in
Pediatrics
found that the attempted suicide rate for sexually experienced girls
between the ages of 12 and 16 is six times higher than it is for
girls that age who are virgins.35
Recently, the National
Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health
found that both boys and girls who are sexually active are more
likely to feel depressed and attempt suicide than peers who are not
sexually active.36
Damaged
or ruined relationships
Sex
can turn a good relationship bad. Other dimensions of the
relationship soon stop developing. Negative emotions enter the
picture. Eventually, they poison the relationship. Says a young man
who identifies himself as a 22-year-old virgin:
"I've
seen too many of my friends break up after their relationships
turned physical. When you use sex too early, it will block other
means of communicating love and can stunt the balanced growth of a
relationship."
Jennifer,
age 24, shares her story:"With
each date, my boyfriend's requests for sex became more convincing,
and within two months I gave in. Sex became the center of our
relationship. Like a cancer, it took over. New things entered —
anger, impatience, jealousy, and selfishness. We just couldn't talk
anymore. We grew very bored with each other. I desperately wanted a
change."37
Relationships
with parents
Sex
can also negatively affect relationships with people other than the
person you're sexually involved with. Most parents say they do not
want their teenagers to engage in sexual activity38,
and by going against that standard, teens may create conflict or
distance in family relationships. Many teens who are having sex do
everything they can to keep their parents from finding out because
they know how much it would upset them. Here is one young girl's
story: "Becky,
13, first had sex with her 15-year-old boyfriend. She knew her
parents and other family members would be very hurt if they found
out. When she missed her period, she went into a panic. She even had
thoughts of committing suicide. To her great relief, a pregnancy
test was negative. She decided she didn't want to go through that
again and broke up with her boyfriend."
Stunted
Personal Development
Premature
sexual involvement not only can stunt the development of a
relationship; it can also stunt one's development as a person.
Teenagers who are absorbed in an intense relationship are
turning inward at the very time in their lives they should be
reaching out — forming new friendships, joining clubs and teams,
developing their interests and skills, taking on bigger social
responsibilities. The teen years are a critical period for learning
and development that will lay the foundation for a young person's
future. Opportunities missed then can never be regained. If young
people don't take advantage of these opportunities, they may never
develop their full potential.
The risk appears to be greater
for girls who get sexually involved and thereby close the door on
other interests and relationships. Says New York City psychiatrist
Dr. Samuel Kauffman:"A
girl who enters into a serious relationship with a boy very early in
life may find out later that her individuality was thwarted. She
became part of him and failed to develop her own interests, her
sense of independent identity."39
Negative
effects on marriage
Most
teens say they dream of being happily married someday. We should
encourage them to ask themselves, "What sexual decisions at
this point in my life will help me realize my dream of a happy
marriage? What problems might I cause for myself or my future spouse
by being sexually intimate before marriage?" Here are four such
problems: Comparisons
and flashbacks.
If you have had sex with someone other than your marriage partner,
there may be a tendency, sometimes beyond your control, to compare
your spouse with previous partners.40
Says one young husband: "When I make love with my wife, I
think, 'My old girlfriend could kiss better,' or 'This girl could do
that better.' I can't get rid of the comparisons." Both men and
women may also experience "sexual flashbacks" — mental
images of previous partners — that can disrupt marital sexual
intimacy.41
-
"Sometime
during my wild college days, I picked up an infection that
damaged the inside of my fallopian tubes and left me infertile. I
am now married to a wonderful man who very much wants children,
and the guilt I feel is overwhelming. We will look into adoption,
but this whole ordeal has been terribly difficult."
|
Infidelity.
Adultery can end a marriage. Estimates of the percentage of people
who cheat on their spouses vary, but many experts believe that
infidelity on the part of both sexes has risen in recent decades.42
One possible reason: Sexual activity before marriage has increased.
The ability to resist temptation is part of our character —
something that is developed over time, through practice. If we
haven't practiced saying "no" to sexual temptations before
marriage, it may be harder to resist such temptations after
marriage. Infertility.
Many
newly married American couples cannot conceive a baby. Infertility
can be a tremendous stress on a marriage. If it was caused by a
sexually transmitted disease such as chlamydia, the stress is even
greater. (Chlamydia can cause pelvic inflammatory disease and
scarring and narrowing of a woman's fallopian tubes; this condition
may prevent her eggs from being able to reach the uterus to be
fertilized by the man's sperm.) A 33-year-old wife says: "Sometime
during my wild college days, I picked up an infection that damaged
the inside of my fallopian tubes and left me infertile. I am now
married to a wonderful man who very much wants children, and the
guilt I feel is overwhelming. We will look into adoption, but this
whole ordeal has been terribly difficult."
A
greater chance of divorce.
Researchers
have found that living together before marriage is associated with a
greater risk of divorce.43
One 2003 study of women found that "the elevated risk of
divorce is particularly great for women who cohabited with both
their husband and another man."44
The more live-in partners you have before marriage, the greater your
chance of marital breakdown.
The research doesn't tell us
why living together or having sex before marriage might contribute
to a greater probability of divorce. One plausible reason is that
sex can keep you from getting to know the other person in a deep way
and finding out whether you have the shared beliefs, values, and
goals on which a lasting marriage can be built. John and Kathy
Colligan, who have spent many years counseling couples preparing for
marriage, offer their observations: "We
see many engaged couples who are living together. We find out by
talking with them that they have little in common. They haven't
discussed their values and goals. But the sexual attraction and
involvement are very strong. When we suggest that they not live or
sleep together, that they try to become friends and get to know each
other to find out if they're really compatible, they often resist.
We can see that this is a marriage likely to fail — and time after
time, it does."45
Dr.
Carson Daly says that when she was a college English professor, many
students — usually young women but sometimes guys — would come to
see her, ostensibly about a paper they'd written for her course. Once
into the conversation, they would tell her about problems they were
having in a relationship. Sex was almost always involved. She says:
"I
don't think I ever met a student who was sorry he or she had
postponed sexual activity, but I certainly met many who deeply
regretted their sexual involvements. No one prepares young people for
the aftereffects: the lowered self-esteem; the despairing sense of
having been used; the self-contempt for being a user; the unease
about having to lie about or at least conceal one's activities from
family members and others; the difficulty of breaking the cycle of
compulsive sexual behavior; and the self-hatred of seeking, after
each break-up, someone else to seduce in order to revive one's fading
self-image. No one tells young people that it sometimes takes years
to recover from the effects of these sexual experiences, if one ever
fully recovers."46
Ten
rewards of waiting
It's
important to know about the emotional dangers of premature sex, but
it's equally important to be able to identify the benefits of saving
sex for a truly committed love relationship. Here
are ten rewards of waiting47:
Waiting
will make your relationships better because you'll spend more time
getting to know each other.
Waiting
will increase your self-respect.
Waiting
will gain you respect for having the courage of your convictions.
Waiting
will teach you to respect other people — you won't tempt or
pressure them.
Waiting
takes the pressure off you.
Waiting
means a clear conscience (no guilt) and peace of mind (no conflicts,
no regrets).
Waiting
will help you find the right mate — someone who values you for the
person you are.
Waiting
means a better sexual relationship in marriage — free of
comparisons and based on trust. By waiting, you're being faithful to
your spouse even before you meet him or her.
By
practicing the virtues involved in waiting — such as faithfulness,
good judgment, self-control, modesty, and genuine respect for self
and others — you're developing the kind of character that will
make you a good marriage partner.
By
becoming a person of character yourself, you'll be able to attract a
person of character — the kind of person you'd like to marry and
to have as the father or mother of your children.48
Don't
Think, "It's Too Late For Me"
Many
teens who have already been sexually involved make the mistake of
thinking, "It's too late for me to change even if I wanted to."
But the truth is that all of us, no matter what our age, have the
freedom at any point in our lives to make different choices.
Teens
need real-life stories of young people who were sexually involved
once but have made a fresh start. We can point to the Harvard study
showing the benefits to college women who adopted a strict sexual
code after having been sexually permissive. We can point to Lucian
Shulte, the student featured in Newsweek who had sex with a girl in
high school, then resolved to abstain and is still living that
lifestyle in college. And here is Cathy, a high school girl who is
putting her mistakes behind her:
"I've
had sex with a lot of guys, but I was always drunk so I didn't think
it mattered. Now I realize that I gave each of those guys a part of
myself. I don't want all that pain anymore. I'm going to make a new
beginning and not have sex again until I'm married."49
Stories
like these teach a vital life lesson: We can't change the past, but
we can choose the future.
Sex
can be a source of great pleasure and joy. But it's clear that it can
also be the source of deep wounds and suffering. What makes the
difference is the relationship within which it occurs. Sex is most
joyful, meaningful, and fulfilling — most emotionally safe as well
as physically safe — when it occurs within a loving, total, and
binding commitment. Historically, we have called that marriage.
Sexual union is then part of something bigger — the union of two
people's lives.
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Personal
communication.
Personal
communication.
I'm
indebted for the first seven of these "rewards of waiting"
to Kristine Napier's book, The
power of abstinence
(New York: Avon, 1996).
Thanks
to Dr. Janet Smith for this point.
Mary-Louise
Kurey, Standing
with courage.
(Huntington, IN: Our Sunday Visitor, Inc., 2002).
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
Thomas
Lickona. "The Neglected Heart: The Emotional Dangers of
Premature Sexual Involvement." American
Educator
(1994) revised January 2007.
This
article was revised for the Abstinence Education T/TA Web site, see
pdf version here.
It
is reprinted with permission of Thomas Lickona.
THE
AUTHOR
Thomas
Lickona is a developmental psychologist and professor of education at
the State University of New York at Cortland. He is the author of
Character
Matters: How to Help Our Children Develop Good Judgment, Integrity,
and Other Essential Virtues
(Touchstone, 2004) and the Christopher Award-winning book Educating
for Character
(Bantam Books, 1992). He has also written Raising
Good Children
(Bantam Doubleday 1994) and co-authored Sex,
Love and You
(Ave Maria Press, March 2003). Thomas Lickona was instrumental in
development of the Center
for the Fourth and Fifth Rs.
He is on the Advisory Board of the Catholic Education Resource
Center.
